Sometimes, when things aren’t going the way I want them too I get really sad and blame them on myself for being the way I am and think people don’t like me just cause they don’t have the time in their life’s to deal with me, even if the opposing person doesn’t think that at all, it’s very real to me. Then my sadness will just turn into instant rage in literally seconds and that’s when things start to go bad, because I feel comfort in my rage cause when I’m angry no one can hurt me cause I just don’t give a fuck but in the end that’s when I start to hurt myself because all my thoughts that weren’t actually happening before start to happen. It’s like I maaaakkke it happen, “I leave before being left, I decide.” Or “Maybe because I don’t really believe it’s gonna work. And then I make sure it doesn’t work.” Really apply to at least every relationship I’ve ever been in in the past. And I ammmm unbelievably sick, and done, with it and myself and I just cannot take it anymore, I can’t let it happen again or I’m gonna go crazy. My therapist says that I have a fear of giving guys control because I’m afraid they’ll take to much, yet I want a relationship persistent enough that to much doesn’t exist. And that’s exactly what I want, I can’t be in another draining relationship where I feel like something’s being taken from me every time I’m around them. I need someone that doesn’t make me feel like I’m always doing something wrong, who doesn’t take and take but never give and makes me feel like my being there for them is a burden, who makes me feel like were equals and doesn’t make my old suspicions constantly rise up in my head. That I’m always their for the guy he just wants my body, or to take advantage of me cause he’s bored. And trust me I have valid reasons and experiences to back this up but I cannot relive this cycle again, it’s self destructive and I deserve better than it, before all my confidence in myself is completely drained by the motives of others. I can’t have it like that this time.